How I Love My High Need Baby

BabyE showing off his BIG personality.

I was driving down the too-narrow urban freeway, confined by concrete on three sides. A moment of clarity struck. BabyE was that "high-need" baby that all the books talk about. I had just been with several friends that had babies around the same age. Their babies sat still and contented in car seats or their mothers' arms and then quietly drifted off to sleep. The moms spoke of babies sleeping five, six, even eight hours at a time at night. All the while my Baby was squealing, standing, bouncing, looking all around, arching, nearly doing flips off my lap and definitely NOT sleeping. Keeping him fuss-free for the hour and a half felt like a physical and emotional wrestling match. 

I shared my epiphany with DH that afternoon, BabyE is happy and delightful, but he needs a LOT more attention than other babies.  He must have done some quick googling and moments later he sent me back a link to Dr. Sears' 12 Features of a High Need Baby with the caption, Wow! Can you say 12 features that describe BabyE? 

The features are intense, hyperactive, draining, feeds frequently, demanding, awakens frequently, unpredictable, super-sensitive, can't put baby down, not a self soother, and separation sensitive. 

As I read the list of characteristics now, I literally laugh out loud at how accurately each one of them describes the personality of my Baby.  At the time though, this realization brought tears for both of us. It was cathartic finally having a label for all of the struggle and exhaustion we were feeling.  He is our first baby, so it was easy to assume that he is what all babies are like. We didn't know anything different. For the longest time, when people would ask if he was sleeping through the night, we would look at them like they were insane. Babies don't do that! Do they?  We now know that some do, but ours doesn't.  

The high need label also gave us encouragement.  Having a high need baby isn't all challenge. It also entails lots of positives.  High need babies tend to be sensitive, empathetic, and creative. These are three traits that I would be thrilled if BabyE grows up to possess. 

Hello, my name is TROUBLE. 

To be honest, I had skimmed past the chapters about high need babies in every baby book I'd read in preparation for parenthood. I was so certain that the baby of two laid back quiet people would automatically follow the family disposition.  Not so. It turns out nature has been stronger than nurture for this baby from the very beginning.  I always thought the concept of kick counts was just one of those crazy paranoid things What to Expect When You're Expecting told you to do.  Ten kicks in two hours seemed like a joke while I was experiencing twenty times that many around the clock. After he was born, I saw the source of all the punches to the inside of my pelvis during pregnancy.  Whenever awake, Baby was very active doing what we call flappy jacks, flailing arms and legs constantly.  

Some will say that it is our attachment style of parenting that has caused BabyE to be the way he is. If we would only let him cry it out, they say.  I must admit, the thought has crossed my mind in my most vicious moments of mommy-guilt.  Is it all my fault?  In clearer moments, I'm pretty confident that this is who he is, and it is up to us to figure out how to direct and nurture his active personality. 

I believe it is attachment parenting that has mitigated a lot of the challenges that we may have had from the beginning. I was very careful to breastfeed on request, especially in the early weeks. I studied Baby's cues and responded before he could get worked up.  At six weeks he was still eating every 45 minutes to an hour. At six months, he prefers to feed every 90 minutes. Though his doctor indicates that is not a typical frequency, she has concluded he simply a person who enjoys eating. Indeed! 

This also carries over to nighttime where he still wakes every two hours to nurse. I can imagine how much more exhausted I would be if it weren't for co-sleeping.  It would be much harder if I had to fully wake up each time, walk to a crib, and pick up a baby who was by then crying his head off and try to comfort him back to sleep.  Instead, I don't even open my eyes or turn on a light.  I reach over to the co-sleeper, or roll over if he's already in bed with me, allow him to latch, both of us still half asleep. 

Another issue we have somewhat avoided through attachment parenting is being unable to put Baby down. Baby-wearing has given me a lot more freedom to get things done throughout the day without listening to a whole bunch of fussing.  Unfortunately, there are still some tasks such as chopping vegetables or cooking at a hot stove which require putting Baby down, and when I do he voices his protest. 

I wish I could tie a bow on this post and tell you that our new understanding of Baby has made our lives so much easier. In some ways, it has. On days that lead me to vent, He's just SO...,  DH reminds me that Baby is indeed a special challenge that requires extraordinary energy. It simply validates the exhaustion that starts to overwhelm. It doesn't make it go away though. Some days of parenting still leave me feeling raw and empty. Still, I wouldn't wish for BabyE to be any other way. Life with him is always exciting. He brings an energy to this home which wasn't here before. If we had a calm baby who slept all the time we wouldn't know what to do. We would probably think him or her boring!

In a way I feel a little silly writing this article for a carnival about parenting kids with special needs. I know there are so many out there gracefully parenting in much more challenging situations than I am.  Also, there's the fact that all babies are high need to some extent. They are babies after all, and they all present their different challenges.  I appreciate your patience with me as I muse about our particular journey. 

Early on my smart mother sensitively told me she thought BabyE was demanding.  To which I replied, Oh Mom you just don't remember what babies are like.  Turns out she was right.  You are going to think your next baby is SO easy, she assures me. Lord, you wouldn't bless me with two high need babies in a row would you?

Are you the parent of a high need baby? I'd love it if you'd share your tips for surviving and thriving!

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Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she's surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We're a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother's disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn's stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU - March Carnival — Hannabert's Mom shares her family's rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Letter from Mineral's Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son's Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.
• What is 'wrong' with you' The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is 'more' intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she's learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others' Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family's food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna's friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don't Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks "Normal" — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It'll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can't see a special need, it doesn't mean it's not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael - A Mother's Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka's sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother's love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was "Vital" — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.